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Reasoning with the child and explaining why he should do this or that thing can help to carry out the order given. ‘I’m coming mommy’, ‘wait a while’, ‘I forgot’, ‘I’ll do it later’. Do any of these phrases sound familiar to you? They are common responses that children give their parents when they do not want to comply with an order. That children do not follow the requests that their parents give them is a frequent and daily situation that, at times, creates a family atmosphere characterized by yelling, fighting, and bad faces.
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Why do they do it?
Sometimes parents watch out for their children only when they behave inappropriately.
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It is very possible that children then refuse to comply with their demands, because they are the only moments in which they manage to attract their attention, even if it is to scold or punish them, says Germán Montalvo, pediatrician.
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However, they may also not listen to what has been asked of them because they are distracted in another activity, they receive too many orders at the same time, they do not understand what is being commanded, they know that parents repeat the indication several times, before they make them, etc.
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What to do to make them obey?
It is advisable to teach the child from the time he is a newborn, at the time of setting the times to eat, says Montalvo, that is a way to discipline him.
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For Homero Mena, a family therapist, on the other hand, it is necessary to teach obedience within an environment of love.
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Because when children feel loved by their parents, they receive every mandate with attention and pleasure.
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On the contrary, when a child does not feel loved and accepted by his parents, he rebels against the order that this gives him, there is a rejection and tries to do the opposite of what is asked of him.
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For her part, Joane Campbell, a family therapist, says that children from an early age should know that if their parents put a limit or prohibit this or that thing, it will always be accompanied by a reason.
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If this does not happen, the child may think that this is a taste of the parents or that mom or dad are bad people, and that is not the case.
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Hence, it is important that there is good communication.
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The stages
During the first two years of life, it is almost impossible for you to get your child to obey you, as they still do not understand what this means.
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From 4 to 5 years old, you can already have a dialogue on aspects such as: ‘do not go near the dog, it could bite you and it will hurt’ or ‘be careful not to put your fingers in the outlet, you will hurt yourself ‘.
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Thus, the children will understand that if they do not obey their father or mother, it can cause them harm.
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With the oldest (6 to 8 years), dialogue is essential and it is time to communicate that if they do not comply with an order, this will bring a consequence that can include a penalty on something to which they are very attached, says Campbell.
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What if they don’t obey me?
Even if you are angry with your child, explain clearly and calmly the advantages of obeying him. Reason and discuss with him / her the consequences of his / her behavior.
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Believe it or not, this can help him to think the next time before not obeying, recommends Homer Mena.
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If after this conversation he insists on his behavior and ignores him and you feel that you are out of his mind, leave the place where you are, take a deep breath, go back and spank him. Don’t overdo the punishment, you may regret it later, says Campbell.
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Straight to the point
Comply with what is offered, be it punishment or reward
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It is valuable that parents reach agreements about what limits they want for their children and, also, why they want them to do this or that thing. Depending on the age of the child, you have to explain why they should not do it. That will help the kids understand the importance of obedience.
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In addition, it is necessary that they comply with what they offer, be it a reward or a punishment, so the boys will know that every act they do or do not do brings a consequence.
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Joane Campbel Family Physician
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Know how your child develops, it will be useful
.Discipline is not hitting, it is putting limits on things. For this, it is necessary to understand the stages of emotional development that children go through. Parents have an obligation to learn these things to be better educators. Parents should take time to read not only how their children develop physically but emotionally. Know that the one who triumphs in life is the one who knows how to control his emotions and has a high emotional, not intellectual, quotient.
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Mother Taking Care of Sick Daughter – Image by © Royalty-Free / Corbis
TIPS THAT WILL HELP YOUR CHILD COMPLY WITH WHAT YOU ASK OF HIM
Make sure that what you ask your child to do, he can do. Otherwise, you will need to help him comply with that request.
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Try to always be clear about the positive and negative consequences of your obedience or disobedience.
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Get him used to not repeating the order more than once from the beginning and never end up doing it yourself.
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Give instructions that are simple, understandable, and reasonable for his age. Also, make sure you understand the request by having it repeat it.
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Give a few instructions and say them one at a time. Never give the next request until you have completed the first. Please note that children under the age of five are not able to understand more than three requests at a time. Example: throw this in the trash, then pick up your doll.
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Offer him two options that will lead to the same result. Let him choose one of them instead of giving orders or asking questions. For example: instead of saying “go brush your teeth” or ask “do you want to brush your teeth?”, Ask the following option: “are you going to brush your teeth alone or do you prefer me to accompany you?”
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Use a pleasant tone of voice, better if you get on a level with your child and look him in the eye, make sure he looks at you too.
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It is important that you explain to your child the reasons why you are asking or forbidding him to do something. This information should be appropriate for the child’s age.
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Set schedules, that will help your child to obey. The fact of having to do the same thing every day and at the same time (throw away the clothes, take them later to wash, clear the table, etc.). Cooperation will eventually become a habit and it will surely not cost you to comply when you ask.
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It is valuable that when he fulfills the order that he asked, praise and praise his behavior, congratulate him, hug him and tell him how happy you are for what he did, that will encourage him to repeat that behavior.
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The consequences that will follow disobedience must be clearly established in advance. You can withdraw a privilege each time you fail to meet a requirement. For example, if you don’t pick up your toys, you won’t go outside to play with your friends.
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LIMITS
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Children need limits from a young age, if the infant is less than 2 years old and has acquired the habit of attacking older siblings. The way to prevent this behavior from repeating itself is to make him feel the same as his brother felt. Thus the child will understand that what he does is causing physical pain and will surely not repeat it.
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WHEN GIVING ORDERS
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You do not need to raise your voice or shout when giving an order to your child. The important thing is to make sure that he or she has understood. To check it, ask them to repeat the request you made. That’s one way of knowing that they did get it. Otherwise repeat again, yes without altering, that can influence the child.
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THE FAMILY GATHERING
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It is important that the whole family meet to discuss each of the rules that will govern the home. Dad, mom and children have to be listened to and taken into account. That way, everyone will know what to expect if they disobey some of these agreements. What is valuable about these meetings is that everyone participates and has an opinion and can also give suggestions that will be useful.
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AGREEMENTS BETWEEN PARENTS
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It is essential that mom and dad agree on the rules that are given inside the house and, above all, on the consequences of their non-compliance. For no reason one of the spouses can disapprove in front of the children, this will reduce authority. If you did not agree with the decision your partner made, discuss it but in a place where the children are not.
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OLDER BROTHERS
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If you get your older children to obey you, you will have no problem getting the rest of them to do so. Remember that they are the example of the minors, so if they follow your instructions and comply with them, this behavior will be imitated by the little ones. But if you can’t do it with the elders, it will be more difficult for you to do it with the minors.
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TO KNOW
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If your child does not want to do homework, tell him that it does not affect you, but the grades he will get in school and that if he gets a bad grade, he will face the consequences.
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The example is important, so if the child sees that his older siblings do not follow certain orders, do not expect him to follow them.
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The rules that are given at home should be for everyone, so privileges will be avoided.
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